An important announcement from Vlad.
You will notice I am experimenting with a different format for today’s Chat. This is because I had a lot to say about today’s topic. I reached out to Mr. Mark Zuckerberg to ask him to increase instagram’s 2200 character limit for my account, but shockingly I have not heard from him. I did mention that if he denies my request he should not be surprised to find some 💩 on his keyboard.
(Text from post screenshots below, original post can be found here)
Friday Chat w/ Vlad
Hey, it's Vlad. So guess where I spent yesterday afternoon. Yep, you guessed it, I was mandatorily invited to spend some time at the JABCECC HR department in order to meet with the good folks there, but it's ok, I get along swimmingly with everyone here.
They always look forward to my visits. This place is really like a second home to me. Frankly, I still have no idea why Human Resources has any jurisdiction over me...a fox. Perhaps we need an Ambassador Resources dept. It is just quite a shame that I have to continually waste my valuable time justifying my actions to some well meaning pencil pushers, but so be it. Here is how I found myself in this predicament.
Yesterday, after spending the better part of the day planning new programs and construction projects for 2024, I adjourned to to my quarters for a short siesta. All this mental activity really takes it out of me. I mean an Arctic Fox villa doesn't just plan itself...by the way, a shout out to Arctic Fox hair color for helping to fund the Villa. Freddy and Sakari can't wait to call it home.
Anyway, before laying down, I decided to treat myself with a drink of some of my favorite bottled water, Legend Baikal. It comes from Lake Baikal which is located in Siberia, where I was born.
This lake is truly massive, containing 22% of the worlds fresh water. You really can't just have one bowl of this delightful elixir, so before I knew it I polished off the whole bottle. It was at this point my bladder informed my brain that I needed to dump some apple juice if you know what I mean. It was a real pee-mergency. So I made my way outside to a little hole I have dug for this purpose and preceded to drain the lizard. Suddenly, to my horror, I noticed my liquid gold was not going in the hole but splashing back onto my gorgeous fur. I nearly pulled a groin muscle trying to quickly shut down the flow. Upon closer examination I found someone had painstakingly stretched plastic wrap over my hole. It was then when I heard a noise that sounded like a laughing hyena choking on a turkey bone coming from over my left shoulder. I turned around and saw Panda, on her back, stubby little legs waving in the air, laughing so hard she could barely catch a breath.
My anger welled up like the rising tide. This heinous act would not go unanswered... Panda must pay. I started charging at Panda, picking up speed with every stride. I could see the fear in Panda's eyes and she did the only thing she could do...she hid behind Yuri.
Now Yuri is quite a portly chap, likely due to his preferred diet of bear claws and jelly donuts. Yuri, hereinafter referred to by multiple monikers that reference his girthiness, outweighs me by at least 70%.
The Institute of Cytology and Genetics, where I grew up, is located on a campus with multiple academic facilities. Right next door was the Novosibirsk Institute of Applied Physics and Refrigerator Repair. I spent many afternoons there hearing about nuclear fusionand ice makers. I have never forgotten the things I learned from those lectures. A few weeks back, when our refrigerator broke after receiving 80 lbs of chicken quarters, everyone was shocked and delighted when I quickly diagnosed the problem as a sticky expander valve and was able to fix it with a spanner wrench and a small bottle of 3 in 1 oil.
The reason I mentioned this is, as I was charging at Panda, who was now behind "Chunky Monkey" and a collision would soon be inevitable, I recalled an applied physics lecture I heard on the conservation of momentum. This can be described by equation mivli + m2v2i = mivlf + m2v2f. This means, in the event of a collision, my initial mass times my initial velocity, plus, "Mr.
Waddles" initial mass times his initial velocity, needs to equal my mass times my velocity post collision, plus, "Butterball's" post collision mass times velocity. Now, we will assume our masses would not change, although in reality there is a high probability that the collision would cause us both to void our bowels, which would indeed reduce our masses, but by a negligible amount. In order for momentum to be conserved, any change in either of our velocities post collision, would require the sum of each of our respective momentums (m times v) to remain the same.
There are two ways this impact could go down. If "Gigantor" lifted his legs just before contact, and in doing so, decoupled himself from the ground, his effective mass while larger than mine would not be insanely larger. In this scenario, much of my kinetic energy would be transferred to the "Dough Boy" and he would accelerate in my pre collision direction of motion. He would now have a non zero velocity and would consequently have momentum. This would likely require my direction of motion to reverse in order for the sum of our momentums to remain unchanged. It's important to point out that momentum is a vector quantity having both magnitude and direction. My kinetic energy, which is a scalar quantity with only magnitude, is related to my velocity by the equation 1/2 mv^2. Since much of my kinetic energy would be given to "Meatloaf, my velocity would therefore be greatly reduced. I could suffer bodily harm in multiple ways given this course of events.
My change in velocity would occur in a short period of time requiring a rapid deceleration (vf-vitat). This would generate a high force as shown by the equation F=ma. This force would surely be sufficient to cause me significant discomfort. As I accelerated backwards to a velocity less than my initial speed but definitely non zero, it's conceivable I would fall back into my keister and receive a nasty contusion.
The other, and more likely way this could go down is "Jabba" could keep his feet firmly planted on the ground. Due to being gravitationally advantaged "Biggie, Biggie, Biggie" would remain firmly coupled to the ground creating a ginormous effective mass. On impact his velocity would increase by the tiniest amount but due to his huge effective mass he would have a large amount of momentum. Therefore, in order to balance the total momentum, I would need to accelerate in the opposite direction that I was moving pre impact. However this time due to "Blimpy's" significant momentum, the magnitude of my velocity would be nearly the same as it was initially and consequently my kinetic energy would be high. In layman's terms this all means, I would bounce off that belly full of jelly and be catapulted away at high speed, possibly breaking a hip upon landing. Neither of these outcomes were particularly appealing to me, so I put on the brakes.
Now before I go further, I know what you all are thinking. You're thinking that without knowing the exact elastic properties of foxes there is no way I could determine the results of a collision. To that I say surely you jest... Yes, I am remarkable.
My hard braking maneuver was successful in that I did not collide with "Chubba Bubba", but I did end up with some road rash on my foot pads, which only intensified my anger. I could not see Panda, as she was being eclipsed by the "voluminous one", but I knew she was there from her distinctive smell... the smell of lotus blossoms, eucalyptus and duplicity. It was at this point that I let her have it from both barrels.
Upon hearing the commotion, a JABCECC staff member called a code "fox rage". This meant all available personal needed to go to the fox house with brooms and spray bottles in hand. We have all sorts of code words so we can operate efficiently. I believe I have previously mentioned the "code Yuri". This is used when "Mr. Tubbs" gets his head stuck in something and everyone needs to get to him ASAP with a super sized stick of butter and the jaws of life.
We also have a "code Lena". This is less of an emergency than some of the others, and just means Lena needs a belly rub. "Code pooper scooper" or the more delicate version "code PS" is heard quite a bit around here. This one can also take the form of "clean up on isle four". Once the staff members reached us, I was given orders to report directly to HR...do not pass GO, do not collect $200. This occurred before anyone listened to my side of the story.
I am sure once HR releases their final report on the incident I will be fully exonerated and it will be Panda who will be subject to disciplinary action. I have no fundamental problem with Panda and would really like to bury the hatchet. She just need to knock off the funny business and fall in line behind me like a good minion. Once she does this everything will be just hunky-dory.
Vlad out.