Fridays Chat w/Vlad - September 22, 2023

Friday Chat w/ Vlad

Hey, it’s Vlad. As you all know, in the last couple of months JABCECC has taken in 7 new residents. With all these additional mouths to feed, us ambassadors called an emergency staff meeting to brain storm about ways to bring in much needed funds.

The meeting was called to order and a quorum was determined to be present. A motion was made to skip the reading of the minutes and a gag order was proposed to prevent Yuri from taking up valuable time discussing breakfast pastries. The motion was passed with the only nay vote coming from Yuri, who said he would fight…for his right…to pastry.

I addressed my fellow ambassadors and told them it was important for us to come up with innovative ways to obtain donations if we expect to continue to get our favorite treats. I then opened the floor to suggestions. One of our newest foxes, Clara, chimed in and said after she was rescued off the fur farm, they drove by a county fair and she saw a kissing booth that seemed quite popular. Everyone liked her suggestion and the only question that remained was which one of us would do the kissing. After some intense discussions we all coalesced around the idea that it needed to be the #dorkwolf, Lucan.

This decision did not come without problems..the foremost being the boy’s breath. Us foxes, being quite clever, came up with ways to turn the malodorous fumes emanating from his maw into a money making opportunity. We figured our best bet was to turn the kissing experience into a challenge. I mean if people are willing to eat Tide pods, they can surely be convinced they want to kiss a stinky wolf. For $2, Lucan will pucker up for you, but we also have the add on “survival kit” for $20. The kit includes two boxes of wintergreen Tik Tacs, a super sized bottle of Binaca , some Pepto Bismol and a commemorative “I kissed a #dorkwolf and I liked it” t shirt. Just as we were starting to think we had a winning business proposition, Sergei ask to be recognized. The words that came from his mouth took the wind right out of our sails. He said “ have you considered how often and enthusiastically Lucan licks his butt?” We all agreed this “visual” could affect the revenue generating potential of the kissing booth. Ideas were exchanged, but after we excluded strategically applied Tabasco sauce, for ethical and logistical reasons, a sub committee was formed to further examine the problem.

Vlad out.

Fridays Chat w/Vlad - September 8, 2023

Friday Chat w/Vlad

Hey, it’s Vlad. Have you ever had one of those days when everyone around you just exceeds your expectations in every imaginable way? A day where others seem to be able to read your mind in regards to what you need at that particular moment and promptly fulfill all your wishes. Where everyone is on the same page and working together in perfect harmony, striving to achieve the same goals..Have you had a day like that?? Me neither. Now if you were to ask me if I have had a day where everyone fails miserably in meeting my expectations, are so caught up in their own mundane issues they are unable to anticipate my most basic wants, and are so out of synch with me, it’s as though I am on page 942 of “War and Peace” and everyone else is having trouble getting by page 2 of “ I Eat Poop…A Dung Beatle’s Story”…If you asked that I would say welcome to my life.

As you may know, in the last month we have welcomed 7 new residents to JABCECC. Is hard enough getting 1 new rescue initiated and up to speed on their responsibilities here, but 7 has brought me to my wits end. You’d think the others would see me running around like a gazelle in the cheetah house and up their game a bit, but it turns out their game is to sit on their rears and let Vlad handle it all. During a quick look around, I saw Panda chewing on her toenails, Yuri searching for bear claw crumbs, Lena trying to convince Sergei to spin around until he falls down, Sasha pretending to be a Llama, Laika talking about if you should tell an introverted turtle to come out of its shell, and lastly Dimitri and Vasily brainstorming on what to call their autumn corn maze…the lead contenders are the Maize maze and the Cornundrum. None of this does an iota of good in getting 7 anxious residents settled in. The only saving grace is that I am such a remarkable specimen I will handle it all and no one will see me sweat. Such is the burden I bear on a daily basis around here, and I ask so little in return. Just everyone’s complete loyalty and unquestioned servitude, acknowledgment of my unbridled humility and a kidney should the need ever arise.

Vlad out.

Fridays Chat w/Vlad - August 25, 2023

Friday Chat w/ Vlad

Hey, it’s Vlad. Greetings Vladiators. Last night our new residents from Wild Wonders in Utah showed up. I have not had a chance to meet all of them yet but I did briefly speak wit Nic. He was still getting settled in and I did not want to take up too much of his time, so I just gave him a quick tutorial of the rules at JABCECC. He can take his written exam at a later date.

Management has already given him a nickname…Fabio. For my younger fans who have not heard of Fabio, he was a fashion model and cultural icon in the early 90’s known for his flowing locks. Now I must admit there is an uncanny resemblance between the two. I have included a picture of both of them so you can see for yourself.

The plan is for Nic/Fabio to hang out with Vinnie. She is a resident that was rescued off a fur farm. Vinnie used to be ok with us Belyaev foxes, but suddenly decided she was going to spend all her time screaming at us, at which point she had to be housed separately. This occurred not a minute too soon, as Laika was fed up with her. This is never good for anyone because, in my opinion, Laika has rage issues. At any rate, hopefully Vinnie and Nic will get along great.

We have been informed that some of these new guys are kind of divas…FYI, this list included Nic. We really don’t tolerate that kind of behavior here. Everybody knows no one is better than anyone else, myself excluded of course. If Nic tries to pull that diva stuff on Vinnie he may be in for a rude awakening.

I will be sure to get Nic and the others on my chat as soon as they pass all their tests, sign the standard non disclosure documents and profess loyalty to their new leader…me.

Vlad out.

Fridays Chat w/Vlad - August 11, 2023

Friday Chat w/ Vlad

Hey, it’s Vlad. So the dog days of summer are upon us. All of us foxes at JABCECC are sporting our summer coats. Sometimes when people first see us in these coats, they think something is wrong with us because we look so trim.

The fact is, foxes are naturally very trim animals…of course this does not apply to Yuri as there is something very…unnatural about that boy. Our winter coats being so thick, make us look much bigger than we really are. Our true physiques only become evident in the rare circumstances when we need to get a bath. The term drowned rat doesn’t capture all the nuances of our appearance in this situation, but needless to see it is not a great look for us. Of course we make darned sure whoever is doing the bathing gets to know what shampoo tastes like. Thankfully, since I perpetually smell like lotus blossoms, sandalwood, and a delightful hint of skunk butt, I have never needed a bath.

Red fox’s summer and winter coats stay essentially the same color year round, whereas arctic foxes can have dramatic color changes. You may have seen our new resident arctic fox Sakari. She has large areas that are black, but come winter she will be white as the driven snow.

Speaking of Sakari, have you seen the video of the way she was treated by people on the fur farm? It makes my blood boil. I come from a line of foxes that has been selectively bred for over 60 years to love people, but when I watch that video, I can’t say I’m feeling all that warm and fuzzy about humans. Foxes however are very resilient. Sakari will put her past behind her and will come to enjoy her present and since her present includes being in my presence how could she not cherish every day. While it might take some time and patience, she may even begin to appreciate some of the finer things in life…like belly rubs.

Fridays Chat w/Vlad - August 4, 2023

Friday Chat w/ Vlad

Hey, it’s Vlad. Happy Friday my friends. I gotta tell you I am fairly exhausted today. Many of you may know we have several new rescues that will be showing up at the center over the next few weeks. I can’t wait to meet them and make sure they understand my importance around here. As you can imagine, bringing in new residents puts a large demand on my time and energy.

But to make matters worse, Yuri comes to me in the middle of the night and wants to talk. It turns that his fan club, the Yurithras is not taking off and he’s pretty pissed off about. So far the only interest he has gotten is from the Mississippi chamber of commerce, to use the saying “Yuri, puts the pee in Mississippi, as well as from a few members belonging to the International brotherhood of fox loving urologists. I tried to cheer him up so I told him he had a lot to offer and his fan club not being successful was just a wee matter, but I don’t think he was listening as my words just whizzed by his head. I told him if he wanted his club to succeed he needed to get out there and promote it, he couldn’t just piddle around and expect results. I then went on to say whatever he had done in the past is just water under the bridge and he needed to relieve himself of that burden. It was at that point that I think Yuri really heard me and understood because his posture changed and you could almost hear the tinkle of bells going off in his head. He then got up and excused himself and headed for the lavatory.

This is not an uncommon scenario for me and I get it. I’m a pretty big deal so of course those around me feel insignificant. I just keep telling them, “even though I am better then you…you just be the best you”. I think hearing this gives everyone great comfort.

I’m going to hit the head now and then take a nap.

Vlad out.

Fridays Chat w/Vlad - July 21, 2023

Friday Chat w/Vlad

Hey, it’s Vlad. Well, we’re in build mode again. Over the next few weeks we have several new residents coming to the center so we are all working diligently to get their habitats set up. Now I say “all working diligently” as to not hurt anyone’s feelings cause truth be told, we do have a few slackers in our midst. I won’t call anyone out by name, but I will say while everyone was out digging holes, I saw Viktor watching the real housewives of Beverly Hills on Bravo .

The first group to come here were rescued from a fur farm by some kind people. Why such places still exist I cannot fathom. The second group worked as ambassadors for many years, and are now ready to retire to sunny California. An area is being created just for them and we are brainstorming to come up with an appropriate retirement community name for it. I came up with Fox Hollow which is great as I have the best brain.

In the middle of all this activity we were contacted about giving a home to a baby coyote. Unfortunately there are exotic breeders out there who produce animals like this and convince people they are the perfect pet. They are not! Be it foxes, wolves, coyotes,singing dogs, or other exotic canids, the vast majority of people will rue the day they decided to bring one of these into their home. I mean come on, I’m a domesticated fox but do I seem like the perfect pet? Newsflash, I poop and pee when and where I want, and then expect you to pick it up, and perhaps I’ve even rolled in it. I will eat your Prada boots as an appetizer before chewing on your couch. I will demand room service everyday to bring me my meals, and just might pee in the bowl if it’s not exactly right. And forgot about me doing anything you want me to. I may even do the exact opposite to make a point. When you think about it, if there is a “pet” relationship here, one must examine who the pet really is. But if humans decide to be MY companion animal that’s their business and I will not stop them. They can provide for my every need, and in return, they can bask in my greatness.

Ok, got to get back on the tractor to dig more holes. The foreman’s work is never done.

Vlad out.

Fridays Chat w/Vlad - July 7, 2023

Friday Chat w/Vlad

Hey, it’s Vlad. I hope all my U.S. based Vladiators had a wonderful Independence Day. It seems like a perfect time to express thanks that I was able to immigrate to America 🇺🇸. The land where you are free to point out all the idiots that surround you, and never end up in the gulag.

Recently, it’s been brought to my attention that I haven’t replied to my fan mail in quite some time. I’m sure you all understand what a busy guy I am, but nonetheless it’s important for me to let my countless fans know they are always on my mind. So let’s get right to it.

Our first letter is from Cindy in Vidalia Georgia.
“Hi Darlin. Let me start by saying you just might be sweeter than my great aunt Delilah’s brown sugar peach cake. As you surely know Vlad, Vidalia is the home of world famous sweet onions, and seeing as you are so sweet, l reckon you would be the perfect grand marshall for our annual onion festival and street dance. Whatdaya say honey bun? I’ll save a slow dance for ya.”

As enticing as that sounds Cindy, I will regrettably need to decline. Onions are toxic to canids because they damage our red blood cells. This is truly most unfortunate, as I am an excellent dancer.

Next we’ll hear from Kyle from Middleofnowhere North Dakota. “Hi Vlad, I love foxes and all the other canids there like wolves, coyotes, dingoes and jackals, but I’m wondering if there is any chance you might ever rescue my favorite animal…a coelacanth?? They are just so cute and cuddly with their three lobed caudal fin. You up for a primitive fish Vlad? “

Kyle, coelacanths really don’t show up in need of rescue. For the last 400+ million years they seem to have been doing just fine without human companionship, sorry.

Lastly we have Sue from Ding Dong TX. “ Hi Mr. Vlad, We are presently hosting an exchange student from the Czech Republic. He recently got himself in a bit of trouble and needs to hideout for a bit. I have read foxes have a behavior called cacheing, where they hide stuff. Can you help us?”

Hi Sue, Sounds bad, and would love to help, but I don’t feel comfortable cacheing your Czech.

Vlad out.

Fridays Chat w/Vlad - June 30, 2023

Friday Chat w/ Vlad

Hey, it’s Vlad. Alright, I’m ready for my close up my fans. Can you see me? With so much going on around here, it would be easy to fade into the background which is one of the reasons I put so much effort into being extra special. The desire to not be invisible is very common. Everyone wants to be noticed, to feel relevant. This is why Yuri eats bear claws by the bushel. It would be impossible for a super sized platinum fox with sugary icing covering much of his body to go unnoticed. All of us ambassadors have this same desire but we express it in different ways. Generally in a manner less impactful to our blood glucose than Yuri. This it the art of being visible, doing so in a positive way. For instance, I can walk around here with a wad of 💩 stuck to my left temple and I will certainly get noticed, but at what cost to my reputation. If I am then interacting with someone, trying to convince them to take canid conservation seriously, all they will ever see is the guy who had a dookie on his head. By the way, I will not confirm or deny this has ever happened.

The reason it is so vital for us ambassadors to be visible is so we can share this spotlight with other canids in need, like the thousands of foxes living a bleak existence on fur farms. For some, the invisibility of these souls is advantageous and so they work hard to achieve it, with some success. Many people don’t even realize fur farms still exist, but they do. We need to make sure that these animals do not go quietly into the night, make sure they are seen. To scream it from the rooftops and shine the light of 1000 suns, as it’s been said that sunlight is the best disinfectant. Any industry so exploitive of animals certainly needs some major disinfecting.

A paradox that exists, in the desire to be visible, is everyone adopts camouflage. We try to blend in to be safe. If we were an ice cream it would be Vanilla as to not stand out. Personally, I choose Rocky Road. It’s hard to hide a marshmallow in a sea of chocolate, and shards of crushed nuts in smooth ice cream, may perforate a palate or two, but it’s just the price you pay to be seen. See me?

Vlad out.

Fridays Chat w/Vlad - June 16, 2023

Friday Chat w/ Vlad

Hey, it’s Vlad. We have a very special guest for our chat today. He is one of JABCECC newest ambassadors on his first appearance on my chat. Please welcome Shaka. Hi Vlad, it’s great to finally meet you in person, I’ve heard so much about you. I know Shaka, it is great to meet me…now what exactly have you heard about me? All positive I trust. Well Vlad, let me just say everyone here has a lot to say about you. Ok Shaka, that is not exactly an answer but we can circle back to that later. So you are a black backed jackal, correct? Where are you guys from? Yes Vlad, I am a jackal and I’m from Minnesota, but if you’re asking where most black backed jackals are from, the answer is Africa. I see Shaka, let’s talk a bit about your name, does Shaka have a meaning. Well Vlad, many say the name means power. I think it was given to me because at JABCECC I will have the power to teach people about canids and hopefully get them to agree that killing us for senseless reasons is not acceptable. The name also was given to a Zulu chief that united the tribes to fight against injustices. When accompanied by a hand gesture, it has been associated with a laidback lifestyle. Legend has it that a sugar mill worker cut off all his fingers except his thumb and pinky. When he would wave he could only raise these two finger and soon others started to imitate him. Then a mayor in Honolulu started doing it while saying “Shaka Brah” and it stuck. Wow Shaka, that is a lot of information. Well Vlad, this is an education center so I’m here to educate. Excellent Shaka, now back to what the others are saying about me. I don’t know Vlad, just normal stuff. Panda said something about bringing you a ladder, and then said something else. Shaka, if that “something else” was “so he can get over himself” heads will roll. And by the way Shaka, you know what Panda calls you and your sisters??? The Jay holes. Vlad, there is a saying in Africa that goes “Uma uluma ungakhethi, ugcina usudla owakho umsila” which means when you bite indiscriminately, you end up eating your own tail. That all the time we have Shaka, ba bye.

Vlad out

Fridays Chat w/Vlad - June 2, 2023

Friday Chat w/ Vlad

Hey, it’s Vlad. Well, it’s past Memorial Day and I guess that means everyone can wear white again until Labor Day. I’m not sure who made this rule and I’m quite sure it doesn’t apply to foxes. Even if it did, I’m a cross fox which means I am mostly orange, black and silver. I do have a white tip on my tail which I would proudly display before summer just to stick it to the man. Arctic fox Freddie snowball on the other hand is white during the whole winter, a walking fashion faux pas. He is a color morph called a shadow, so at least he gets to be white in the summertime. Most Arctic foxes lose their white fur and turn dark in the spring.

This “fashion rule” is just one of the many things that makes no sense to me. Like why a fly is called a fly but an ant is not a crawl, or an orange is an orange but a lemon isn’t a yellow or why do you bake cookies but cook bacon? Of course the most nonsensical of all, the thing I just can’t wrap my head around no matter what is a platypus. I will admit I don’t understand the need for fashion altogether. The fashion rules are probably made by someone sitting in some ivory tower figuring out ways to get you to buy more stuff. These are the same people trying to convince you that my fur, looks better on you, than it does on me.

Another thing to look forward in summer is barbecues. When management fires up the grill they always will share with us hard working ambassadors… I say “hard working” but the truth is we do have a few slackers in our ranks, I’m sure you could guess who they are. Anyway, as far as the BBQ, chicken hot dogs are the favorite around here. Now I know what you are thinking, “Vlad aren’t those full of chicken parts like beaks and chicken combs?”. You bet they are, the best parts. You know what they say about chicken combs? “Bet you can’t eat just one”.

It will be an exciting summer at JABCECC. Between the opening of the healing path dedicated to dogs, to the arrival of some new rescued ambassadors… FYI, management did tell me about these new arrivals, probably due to the hissy fit I threw about being left in the dark about Shaka and crew, the jackals.

Vlad out.