Fridays Chat w/Vlad - January 26, 2024

An important announcement from Vlad.

You will notice I am experimenting with a different format for today’s Chat. This is because I had a lot to say about today’s topic. I reached out to Mr. Mark Zuckerberg to ask him to increase instagram’s 2200 character limit for my account, but shockingly I have not heard from him. I did mention that if he denies my request he should not be surprised to find some 💩 on his keyboard.

(Text from post screenshots below, original post can be found here)

Friday Chat w/ Vlad

Hey, it's Vlad. So guess where I spent yesterday afternoon. Yep, you guessed it, I was mandatorily invited to spend some time at the JABCECC HR department in order to meet with the good folks there, but it's ok, I get along swimmingly with everyone here.

They always look forward to my visits. This place is really like a second home to me. Frankly, I still have no idea why Human Resources has any jurisdiction over me...a fox. Perhaps we need an Ambassador Resources dept. It is just quite a shame that I have to continually waste my valuable time justifying my actions to some well meaning pencil pushers, but so be it. Here is how I found myself in this predicament.

Yesterday, after spending the better part of the day planning new programs and construction projects for 2024, I adjourned to to my quarters for a short siesta. All this mental activity really takes it out of me. I mean an Arctic Fox villa doesn't just plan itself...by the way, a shout out to Arctic Fox hair color for helping to fund the Villa. Freddy and Sakari can't wait to call it home.

Anyway, before laying down, I decided to treat myself with a drink of some of my favorite bottled water, Legend Baikal. It comes from Lake Baikal which is located in Siberia, where I was born.

This lake is truly massive, containing 22% of the worlds fresh water. You really can't just have one bowl of this delightful elixir, so before I knew it I polished off the whole bottle. It was at this point my bladder informed my brain that I needed to dump some apple juice if you know what I mean. It was a real pee-mergency. So I made my way outside to a little hole I have dug for this purpose and preceded to drain the lizard. Suddenly, to my horror, I noticed my liquid gold was not going in the hole but splashing back onto my gorgeous fur. I nearly pulled a groin muscle trying to quickly shut down the flow. Upon closer examination I found someone had painstakingly stretched plastic wrap over my hole. It was then when I heard a noise that sounded like a laughing hyena choking on a turkey bone coming from over my left shoulder. I turned around and saw Panda, on her back, stubby little legs waving in the air, laughing so hard she could barely catch a breath.

My anger welled up like the rising tide. This heinous act would not go unanswered... Panda must pay. I started charging at Panda, picking up speed with every stride. I could see the fear in Panda's eyes and she did the only thing she could do...she hid behind Yuri.

Now Yuri is quite a portly chap, likely due to his preferred diet of bear claws and jelly donuts. Yuri, hereinafter referred to by multiple monikers that reference his girthiness, outweighs me by at least 70%.

The Institute of Cytology and Genetics, where I grew up, is located on a campus with multiple academic facilities. Right next door was the Novosibirsk Institute of Applied Physics and Refrigerator Repair. I spent many afternoons there hearing about nuclear fusionand ice makers. I have never forgotten the things I learned from those lectures. A few weeks back, when our refrigerator broke after receiving 80 lbs of chicken quarters, everyone was shocked and delighted when I quickly diagnosed the problem as a sticky expander valve and was able to fix it with a spanner wrench and a small bottle of 3 in 1 oil.

The reason I mentioned this is, as I was charging at Panda, who was now behind "Chunky Monkey" and a collision would soon be inevitable, I recalled an applied physics lecture I heard on the conservation of momentum. This can be described by equation mivli + m2v2i = mivlf + m2v2f. This means, in the event of a collision, my initial mass times my initial velocity, plus, "Mr.

Waddles" initial mass times his initial velocity, needs to equal my mass times my velocity post collision, plus, "Butterball's" post collision mass times velocity. Now, we will assume our masses would not change, although in reality there is a high probability that the collision would cause us both to void our bowels, which would indeed reduce our masses, but by a negligible amount. In order for momentum to be conserved, any change in either of our velocities post collision, would require the sum of each of our respective momentums (m times v) to remain the same.

There are two ways this impact could go down. If "Gigantor" lifted his legs just before contact, and in doing so, decoupled himself from the ground, his effective mass while larger than mine would not be insanely larger. In this scenario, much of my kinetic energy would be transferred to the "Dough Boy" and he would accelerate in my pre collision direction of motion. He would now have a non zero velocity and would consequently have momentum. This would likely require my direction of motion to reverse in order for the sum of our momentums to remain unchanged. It's important to point out that momentum is a vector quantity having both magnitude and direction. My kinetic energy, which is a scalar quantity with only magnitude, is related to my velocity by the equation 1/2 mv^2. Since much of my kinetic energy would be given to "Meatloaf, my velocity would therefore be greatly reduced. I could suffer bodily harm in multiple ways given this course of events.

My change in velocity would occur in a short period of time requiring a rapid deceleration (vf-vitat). This would generate a high force as shown by the equation F=ma. This force would surely be sufficient to cause me significant discomfort. As I accelerated backwards to a velocity less than my initial speed but definitely non zero, it's conceivable I would fall back into my keister and receive a nasty contusion.

The other, and more likely way this could go down is "Jabba" could keep his feet firmly planted on the ground. Due to being gravitationally advantaged "Biggie, Biggie, Biggie" would remain firmly coupled to the ground creating a ginormous effective mass. On impact his velocity would increase by the tiniest amount but due to his huge effective mass he would have a large amount of momentum. Therefore, in order to balance the total momentum, I would need to accelerate in the opposite direction that I was moving pre impact. However this time due to "Blimpy's" significant momentum, the magnitude of my velocity would be nearly the same as it was initially and consequently my kinetic energy would be high. In layman's terms this all means, I would bounce off that belly full of jelly and be catapulted away at high speed, possibly breaking a hip upon landing. Neither of these outcomes were particularly appealing to me, so I put on the brakes.

Now before I go further, I know what you all are thinking. You're thinking that without knowing the exact elastic properties of foxes there is no way I could determine the results of a collision. To that I say surely you jest... Yes, I am remarkable.

My hard braking maneuver was successful in that I did not collide with "Chubba Bubba", but I did end up with some road rash on my foot pads, which only intensified my anger. I could not see Panda, as she was being eclipsed by the "voluminous one", but I knew she was there from her distinctive smell... the smell of lotus blossoms, eucalyptus and duplicity. It was at this point that I let her have it from both barrels.

Upon hearing the commotion, a JABCECC staff member called a code "fox rage". This meant all available personal needed to go to the fox house with brooms and spray bottles in hand. We have all sorts of code words so we can operate efficiently. I believe I have previously mentioned the "code Yuri". This is used when "Mr. Tubbs" gets his head stuck in something and everyone needs to get to him ASAP with a super sized stick of butter and the jaws of life. 

We also have a "code Lena". This is less of an emergency than some of the others, and just means Lena needs a belly rub. "Code pooper scooper" or the more delicate version "code PS" is heard quite a bit around here. This one can also take the form of "clean up on isle four". Once the staff members reached us, I was given orders to report directly to HR...do not pass GO, do not collect $200. This occurred before anyone listened to my side of the story. 

I am sure once HR releases their final report on the incident I will be fully exonerated and it will be Panda who will be subject to disciplinary action. I have no fundamental problem with Panda and would really like to bury the hatchet. She just need to knock off the funny business and fall in line behind me like a good minion. Once she does this everything will be just hunky-dory.

Vlad out.

Fridays Chat w/Vlad - January 12, 2024

Friday Chat w/ Vlad

Hey, it’s Vlad. I’ve got a real treat for all my Vladiators out there. Our guest chatter today is Mikhail. Those that have been out to the center undoubtedly remember Mikhail. He is sometimes referred to as a Ninja fox due to his dark coloration but the correct term would be melanistic. He is also a friend to everyone and is a real straight shooter…kind of an elder statesman around here.

Hi Mikhail, welcome to my chat. Hi Vlad, great to be here. So Mikhail, the reason I want to talk to you today is I’m having problems with Panda. She is a real thorn in my side. She is always trying to undermine me which hinders my ability to lead the others. I mean we owe it to all the canids out there who are less fortunate than us to be the best ambassadors we possibly can be and that little she devil panda just makes it more difficult. You may have heard that she convinced the others to get me a lump of coal for Christmas. Everyone, including myself, thought that was a great gift. After I did some research I found out it’s not great at all. It’s what’s given to naughty boys and girls. When I checked Panda search history on her computer I found “what to get that total jerk in you life for Christmas” and coal was mentioned frequently. Now Mikhail, I may be many things…you know like wise, handsome, athletic, etc. but naughty is not one of them. Seeing as my combat skills are superior to Panda’s I could just take matters into my own paws and teach her a lesson but as every exceptional leader knows, diplomacy should always be attempted before any escalation. So Mikhail, could you talk to Panda and explain to her what a gift I am to all of you guys and have her knock off the funny business?

Well Vlad, it’s funny you should ask that. You see Panda came to me a few weeks ago asking me to talk to you. She said you are the most obnoxious, pretentious, ignorant cockalorum she has ever met. I actually wrote it on my foot so I would remember…footnotes. Well Mikhail I’m speechless, we both know none of that is true. Do we Vlad?? Think about this Vlad, the only true wisdom is knowing you know nothing. Sleep on it.

Vlad out.

Fridays Chat w/Vlad - December 29, 2023

Friday Chat w/ Vlad

Hey, it’s Vlad. I hope all my Vladiators had a great Christmas, I sure did. You see all the ambassadors got together and got me present to thank me for being such a kind and giving leader. They gave me an absolutely lovely large lump of coal. I imagine they remember how cold it was in Siberia and how everyone huddled around the coal burning stove to stay warm. It was just so thoughtful for them to get me a gift that reminds me of my younger years. But then I got to thinking maybe that wasn’t their intention at all..maybe the coal, which is mostly carbon, was meant to symbolize a diamond, which is also made of carbon. It was their way of telling me I am the most valuable gem 💎. I mean I know all the other ambassadors worship me but it is truly touching they would say I am a diamond.

Of course the more I thought about it I began to wonder if any of the other ambassadors are intelligent enough to grasp that sort of symbolism. We certainly know our bear claw loving bumpkin Yuri isn’t. Lena shows promise sometimes, but I don’t see her putting the effort into figuring this out. So the question remains, why would the others give me a large lump of coal for Christmas? It could be some American tradition. Panda 🐼 is more into these kind of things so I could ask her. Or, I could just google it latter, but I’m sure it is something you would only give to your dearest friends. Those who have truly made a positive difference in your life. Consequently, to all my dearest Vladiators, if I could, I would make sure everyone of you had a Christmas stocking full of coal. Merry Christmas, happy holidays and wishes for a joyous new year.

Vlad out

Fridays Chat w/Vlad - December 15, 2023

Friday Chat w/ Vlad

Hey, it’s Vlad. What do you see in this picture. I’ll tell you what I see…I see Zuri, the black backed jackal, chillaxin in a cushy chair. The problem with this is have you ever seen a picture of Vlad, everyone’s favorite fox, sitting in a comfy chair?? The correct answer to that inquiry is no, I have not. That is because Vlad, the most important ambassador, has never been invited to sit in this exquisite chair. Sure there are pictures of me sitting on metal chairs and sure if I were to sit in a chair with such a wonderful cushion I would surely eat it or 💩 on it but that is no excuse for depriving Vlad, the linchpin of this operation, of this creature comfort.

Now I shouldn’t take this personally as I know the jackals are being socialized so they can be good ambassadors and as such management is spending a lot of time with them but it’s hard for Vlad, the big kahuna, to not look at this as a slight. I guess I will just need to let the staff here know about my dissatisfaction with this situation. They will no doubt quickly remedy it as they can’t have Vlad, the star attraction, being in any way disgruntled. I’m sure I will have my own comfy chair lickidy split. Of course I will immediately destroy it but I will have the satisfaction of knowing I am valued. When you’re as humble as I am, when anyone goes out of their way to validate me, it feels good. No doubt I will speak to you next time from my new comfy chair.

Vlad, the most precious fox that ever was or will be, out

Fridays Chat w/Vlad - December 1, 2023

Friday Chat w/ Vlad

Hey, it’s Vlad. I’m here today with our New Guinea Singing Dogs Luxx, Nicky and Stumpy. Welcome to my chat guys. Hi Vlad, we are happy to be here but I want you to know not to get snarky with us or we will have to go wild dingo on you. What’s “wild dingo” Luxx? Well Vlad it’s what happens when we get upset. You see Vlad, NGSDs are sometimes called New Guinea Dingoes or Forest Dingoes. We are genetically very similar to Australian Dingoes. So much so that some researchers call us one in the same. So bottom line don’t get us angry…you wouldn’t like us when we’re angry. Noted Luxx. How did you end up at JABCECC. Well Vlad, I was born at a zoo in Canada. It was very cold there and my living conditions weren’t great. Some good samaritans working at the zoo took me home and raised me. Then one day I smelled something I could not resist. I tracked the delightful smell to a 7 11 store. Once I broke inside I found it was coming from a rack of hot dogs which I quickly ate. People determined I was the “perp” and I was sent back to lockup at the zoo. Luckily soon after that I was rescued out of the zoo and made my way to JABCECC. Great story Luxx, I don’t think I could have resisted those hot dogs either.

So Nicky what’s your deal. Hi Vlad, Stumpy and I are Luxx’s sons. I was first born which is why I’m the smartest and best looking. Stumpy was born with that stubby tail. Unfortunately only a very few NGSDs were ever brought out of the wild which means all the NGSDs outside of New Guinea are very inbred. Exotic breeders sometimes get their hands on us and convince people we are great companion animals for everyone, but the truth is we can be very difficult so those animals often need to be rescued. I know what you mean Nicky, the same thing happens to foxes. I can’t help but notice the couches we are on have many holes, was that your handiwork? Well Vlad, I have destroyed so many things, it’s hard to keep track but It would be safe to say a few of these holes were my creations. Ok guys I’ve got important things to get done so thank you for your time.

Vlad out.

Fridays Chat w/Vlad - November 17, 2023

Friday Chat w/ Vlad

Hey, it’s Vlad. Happy Friday…not. So rain has returned to the center. Normally this is not a problem for me cause I can just go inside but this time the others were in there having a conversation about whether or not turtles can leave there shells. Yuri was sure they could as otherwise “how would they go to the bathroom “. Panda thought he might be right hence the expression, “he needs to come out of his shell”. Of course they are wrong. Everybody knows, the carapace and the plastron (top and bottom shell), are fused to the ribs and vertebrae, so non removable. I couldn’t handle the ignorance so I had to leave.

People often ask how I am such a polymath and why my English is so robust. After all I am from Russia so english was nobody’s first language and of course I am a fox. It turns out one of the researchers at the institute of cytology and genetics used to leave the TV control near the fox enclosure so I was able to watch reruns of TJ Hooker and NCIS which is how I learned English. I also watched the Discovery Channel and I am ashamed I also caught a few episodes of Honey boo boo on TLC.

The Discovery Channel taught me all about EL Nino, also known as the El Niño-Southern Oscillation. Basically El Niño is unusually warm water in the Pacific which causes rainy weather during the winter in Southern California. There is a strong El Niño this year so that means many days sitting in the rain while the others are discussing whether or not gnats have testicles and if so where do they keep them.

Vlad out.

Fridays Chat w/Vlad - November 3, 2023

Friday Chat w/ Vlad

Hey, it’s Vlad. So the results are in…kinda. Last we spoke I mentioned a contest to decide which of us ambassadors was cutest as a youth. Technically the winner was Ishy, but with a big asterisk next to her name. You see I’m pretty sure some shenanigans occurred during the voting. Why do I think this??? Frankly cause I didn’t win and it’s obvious I was the cutest. I will admit my baby picture was taken at the the institute of cytology and genetics, and while they may be fine geneticists, they are most definitely not fine photographers…but I still should have won.

I believe there was a plot by some of the other ambassadors to suppress the vote for me and support it for Ishy. I did hear Panda say if I win my head will get so big it will be assigned it’s own zip code. I think some of the others got in touch with a Bolivian hacking group they learned about on the dark web. These unscrupulous characters have a back door into the Meta servers which they used to alter they results of the voting. Granted I have no proof of any of this but given the circumstances this explanation seems the most likely.

Despite the contested nature of the results, I will honor my pledge and have Ishy on my chat. Hi Ishy. Hi Vlad. How do you feel about winning this contest due to potential fraud Ishy. I feel great Vlad, because everybody knows I am the cutest and they know you are crazy. I just call it like I see it Ishy. As do I Vlad. I think we will just need to agree to disagree on this Ishy. Sure Vladdy, but I see no point in participating in your chat given your issues, see ya Vlad. Unbelievable Ishy.

Vlad out.

Fridays Chat w/Vlad - October 20, 2023

Friday Chat w/ Vlad

Hey, it’s Vlad. You may recall my last chat on the importance of play included a picture of a young #dorkwolf doing just that. Well as innocuous as that sounds, that picture has caused quite a kerfuffle around her. It started with Panda mentioning she saw my post and while Lucan was cute as a puppy, he was no where near as cute as she was. Then Lena chimed in and proclaimed she was the cutest. Ishy then said it is well known that she was the cutest of the bunch. Of course Panda couldn’t let that go unchallenged and said “Ishy, I think you’re mistaking cute for psycho. I’m sure you can all see where this went from there. It went from bad to worse with insults and innuendo being readily exchanged. At one point Sergei actually told Lena that her mama was so ugly that when she puts her pictures on Facebook they get flagged as harmful content. Now this was not the most reasoned insult as Sergei and Lena are full siblings.

The thing is, after a very busy spring and summer of bringing in new residents, it is finally slowing down a bit. They say idle minds are the devil’s workshop and around her that translates into someone bringing the drama llama out of its stable to just cause a ruckus and create some effervescence.

Of course this whole hullabaloo is quite pointless as truth be told I was by far the cutest kit the world has been privileged to cast its eyes upon. But just to satisfy the others I will post pictures of us ambassadors as young’uns and you can verify what we all already know. The winner will be featured on my next chat.

Vlad out.

Fridays Chat w/Vlad - October 6, 2023

Friday Chat w/ Vlad

Hey, it’s Vlad. Today I wanted to talk to my fans about the importance of play. Everybody knows when we’re young we play all the time, but just because we get a bit older does not mean we need to stop. I mean look at me. I am a mature fox with the weight of the world on my shoulders but when I see the rings, I drop everything and give them a good chew…And then give them a toss in hopes of hitting someone.

Young canids often play to practice skills they will need to perfect in order to survive in the wild. For instance, when young #dorkwolf was playing, he was preparing for the day he would need to take down a caribou. As fate would have it, he will never need to take down a caribou but he still uses those skills to take down anyone brave enough to enter the octagon with him, and he has loads of fun doing it.

Now Yuri has his own idea of fun. I’m sure you have all heard of bobbing for apples. Well, Yuri puts a slight twist to it and engages in bobbing for bear claws. Yuri, being no rocket scientist, fails to take into account that once the bear claws hit the water they lose all integrity and transmogrify into a soggy bloated gooey sludge. There really isn’t much to bob for at this point as the contents of the bucket become like a big bear claw smoothie. Needless to say, this is a solitary activity for Yuri, but as long as he has fun that is all that matters.

Laika also has her favorite way to play. Her toy of choice is a wadded up piece of fire hose. We all think it’s because she is a real hot head. She can gnaw on this thing for hours and you better not try to take it away from her or else you’ll see the fire breathing dragon she can be.

Of course It is well know that Viktor has a love affair with pink pigs. Why pink pigs you ask…we really don’t know, but we do know the pig needs to be pink. Any other color just won’t do.

So what I am saying is no matter what your age and how busy you are, always make sure you leave time to play. I would however strongly recommend you stay away from anything involving bear claw smoothies.

Vlad out.